I've been reading Toddlerwise, the third installment in the Babywise series by Gary Ezzo and Dr. Robert Bucknam, and in it, it said (quoting Elaine St. James from her book Simplify Your Life with Kids):
Kids who live without structure can develop behavior problems. Frequent tantrums, whining, a disregard for rules, inappropriate or aggressive behavior, constant demands, and an inability to share are some signs that your child needs more structure (43).
So is that what Caedmon needs? More structure? (Goodness, that book has a way of making me feel so guilty.)
Today I decided to introduce "Blanket Time", which is what the book suggests as one structured, controlled way for children to play on their own. During Blanket Time, children play with toys on a blanket and should not move off of it until Mom or Dad say so. Sounds pretty good, right? I thought Caedmon could benefit from some Blanket Time, especially for those instances when I cannot be monitoring him, like when I'm in the shower. (It would be an improvement upon the chairs I'm currently using to corral him in.) I laid out TWO blankets to give Caedmon more space to play, dispersed plenty of his favorite toys, and called him over cheerily, optimistically for his first try at Blanket Time. And then this ensued:
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| True to his shirt, he is, indeed, crabby. |
Oh, my goodness, the squalor. That boy cried and clung to me and arched his back in defiance, because of... I don't know what. Forget about "structured and controlled", we never even made it to the blanket.
I feel like such a failure... and it's not just because of Blanket Time. It's because he's such a monster!
You know those babies who are angelic, sweet in nature, will smile and chuckle when you make faces at them, will snuggle your neck when you ask, "Can I hold him?"... That is NOT my son. Yes, he brings me unfathomable joy and is actually quite pleasant for much of the time (with us), but when he's upset, he's upset, and he can turn on a dime. (Where did that adage come from anyway?)
No, it's not just Blanket Time, but it's in seeing how willful and disobedient and defiant and prone to tantrums Caedmon can be and often is that makes me feel like I must be doing something sorely wrong here. I realize Caedmon is just 15 months... is this just the way of a young toddler? But it's also his sin nature that is already so evident and strong in him that alarms me so. And even more, I'm discouraged by my own inadequacy to correct and nurture and tame this beast. How am I supposed to do it all?
I know the answer... and that is that I CAN'T do it, which is why I NEED to rely on God's grace and provision. And while this really should be a relief and the solace I seek, it's hard to feel better when I'm still standing at the base of the most treacherous peak I've ever been asked to conquer.
Trust God. Surrender to God. Do my best with what God has given. That's all I can do, and it's all that is asked of me... I want Caedmon to know God and follow His will and heart... I want Caedmon to have a strong character and obey and respect us. I want him to be good and do good, not just for the sake of being good, but because it will be a reflection of his heart condition. I want him to be compassionate, generous, and bold. I want all these things for Caedmon... and yet right now he seems SO far from that... and I am so far from being the mom to guide him along that path. (And the truth is, I may do all the right things with Caedmon, and he STILL may remain a monster. And I need to accept and be content with whatever God has for him... may it be monster status and all... though right now, that's very hard to embrace.)
Trust God. Surrender to God. Do my best. sigh... one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow is a new day. Time to dig my head out of the sand and be renewed and start anew.
"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life." Psalm 143:8
I'm sorry you had such a rough day with Caedmonster. I trust that God will empower you to joyfully love him the way He loves us when we arch our backs and throw tantrums in response to His gifts and provision. You are humble and entrusting Caedmon's development to God, and I'm no expert, but I think that makes you a great mom because He's the PERFECT parent!
ReplyDeleteAlso... did you choose his shirt based on his mood today?
Celia,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if what I am about to type is going to make you feel better or make you feel worse. But, here it is. ;-)
I was never able to get my sweet, angelic, Jonathon (If you know my lil guy? You know there are very few people that would refer to him as angelic. But, I am his mommy and I see a glimses of angelic from time to time, so angelic he is...wink), to sit for blanket time. I do not see you as a mother who is a failure. I see you as a mommy who is working on a new method of parenting. New parenting skills take time or a better day for our little ones. I want to encourage you to keep trying. Like us, our little ones have good days and bad days, it has nothing to do with our mothering or parenting skills. You in all likelihood will be able to train your sweet, angelic, Caedmon, blanket time. My Jonathon never was, still isn't, able to sit quietly.
Mothering is the best, yet most difficult job I've ever done. I was a HR Director and felt like I was dealing with hundreds of adult children, with all their complaints, whining, bickering, etc. and had developed some great skills over the years. Even all of that was no preparation for the skills, guilt and frustration of mothering my own child. I love him dearly and am grateful that I did not miss the blessing of being a mommy. I am also thankful to have the ears, compassion and tenderness of other mommies to share my feelings with (vent) and to confirm, I'm not nuts?! Its all part of the big, beautiful, loving package, that is wrapped in a bows stained with the tears of a mother's love.
Loves & hugs,
Lisa-Renee
i just noticed the heading of your blog says "until our HOA comes around"... it's funny, because we recently had a run in with our HOA and traumatized us forever! Then, I remembered that you painted your door orange and was always wondering how you got away with that (unless your house was not under HOA)... such a random thought! haha!
ReplyDeleteKeep on persevering! TT is a very strong willed boy as well, but I truly think that God has given each of our children to us in HIs perfect plan to refine our own characters along the way. Though there are so many days and NIGHTS that I feel exhausted and depleted and a "failure" as well, I am so thankful for His grace that covers it all! Keep it Ceci!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the encouragement, friends.
ReplyDeleteSam, no, I hadn't picked his shirt based on his mood; just a (un?)happy coincidence.
Nina, we painted the door orange at our old house, which did not belong to an HOA. We've since moved, and our HOA is pretty strict, so no crazy colors for us.