Up All Night... again.

Last night was another sleepless night for me.  Since Caedmon's fever a couple of weeks ago, he's been waking at 10 or 11, and because I was afraid he was hungry (he hadn't been eating his solids), I've been nursing him.  I'm not against feeding my baby at night, but I'll do it only if he is truly hungry.  He normally goes from 7 to 7 without a feed, so I know he can do it.  However, if there is even an inkling of doubt whether he is hungry or not, I always feed him; I'm so paranoid over his hunger.  The trouble with that, though, is that it's so easy to create a habit, so that he starts taking these calories at nighttime instead of day, and that's exactly what has happened.  Waking at 10 or 11, though, is not much of a bother, which is probably why I hadn't taken much action to shift his caloric intake.

The last couple of nights, though, he's been waking at 1 and 2AM.  Now THAT is a bother.  But if he's hungry, what can I do?

The first night when he woke at 1AM, I went in to nurse him, but for some strange reason, my letdown would not come in.  I tried for 15 minutes as poor Caedmon would suck furiously and then get so upset that nothing was coming out.  Caedmon wailed, arching his back and flinging his body back in frustration.  I was feeling the same inside.  All l I could do was rock and sing; I felt so helpless.  ... and then the unexpected happened.  Caedmon calmed down.  So I continued to rock and sing... and Caedmon fell asleep!  More precious sleeping baby moments, which I am always thankful for, but even more than that, it was a revelation.  He wasn't hungry.  I mean, sure, he probably would have eaten if I had been able to offer, but he didn't NEED it.  And that's all I needed to proceed with Project Sleep-Through-The-Night-Again.

So last night, Caedmon woke at 2AM.  After letting him cry, having Wayne go in and rock, and then me going in to soothe and rock, Caedmon finally slept at 5AM.  At that point, Caedmon still wasn't looking very sleepy, but I had to put him down, because I was getting so tired.  He cried to protest, of course, but less than 10 minutes later, he was out.  Sheesh, if it was this easy, why didn't you do it sooner?  Sometimes I think our meddling (i.e. going in to soothe and rock) actually makes everything worse.  Had we let him cry, he probably would have been asleep sooner... but when I'm meddling, at least I feel like I'm DOING something.  (And this is the slippery slope of becoming an annoying, overbearing mother.)

Right now, and last night, especially, Project Sleep-Through-The-Night-Again hardly seems worth it, as I was up all night anyway.  Wouldn't it be so much easier on everyone if I just nursed him?  But I do recall how glorious those 7-7 nights were, and how much better rested Caedmon was (how we all were), and so I will press on.

Today is a new day... giving way to a new night.  Hopefully, there is more rest for us all on the horizon.

Playing Hooky

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now.  Just me, no baby.  Wayne's mom is watching Caedmon while I steal away for a bit to run some errands, when an idea crept into my head... Really?  Can I do it?  Should I do it?  Should I get some coffee... and just SIT?  I have more errands I could run, and I almost waved this CRAZY idea away, but I'm feeling wild and adventurous today.  Step aside, grocery list, this momma's got a date with some decaf!  Gosh, it feels like ages since I've done this.

Except... mom-guilt is already kicking in.  Cecilia, what about the rest of your errands?  When will you have time to finish those?  And don't you remember how hard Caedmon was crying when you left?  Maybe you should just go home... You can always make coffee and play some Pandora at home.

Augh, stop it!  Caedmon will be fine, and if anything, it's good for him to be with other people; he's been SO attached to me lately.

That's actually been on my mind a lot, how grumpy and distressed he is with others, and it seems to be getting worse, as evidenced by this past Sunday at church.  We usually leave him in the nursery during service, and even though he cries when we leave, we know that he'll be okay.  This past Sunday, though, not long after we settled into our seats, Caedmon's childcare number flashed on the screen, signaling that we needed to tend to our little one.  When I got to the room, Caedmon was sniffling and trying to catch his breath.  His eyes were shut tight, and his face was red and streaked with tears.  One look at me, and he nearly leapt out of the nursery worker's arms.  And then he was fine.  We played for a bit on the floor.  Caedmon loved all the new toys and watching the other babies, and we even got a chuckle out of him a few times.  As long as I am by his side, my little monster is golden.

I expressed my concern and lament over my little shadow and how I wished he was an easier baby who would happily go to others, to which the nursery worker said something that really struck me... "It won't always be like this."

Wow.  Yes, it won't always be like this, in the sense that it won't always be this difficult for Caedmon and he won't always have such a hard time with separation anxiety.  But also, it won't always be like this.... that I will be the world to my baby... that my little boy will crave my cuddles and kisses... that I'll have the ability to erase all woes and worries and make everything good and perfect for my son, simply with a hug and a smile.  No, it won't always be like this.  (Isn't there a country song like this?)  Again, reminders to cherish these moments...

Though, right now, I will allow myself to cherish my peppermint mocha and TIME magazine.


**edit**
Thanks to Steven F., here's the song.  Say what you will about country--it's cheesy, saccharine, hokey... but it sure knows how to pull at the heart strings.  I'm sure any parent can relate to this:

"It Won't Be Like This for Long" by Darius Rucker

An Awfully Wonderful Day

Dear Caedmon,

Today, according to most measures, would have been considered a horrible day.  You are so miserable from teething pains; I can tell that it hurts to even nurse.  And it is making you so incredibly fussy.  And irritable.  And crabby.  You threw tantrums when I changed your diapers and clothes, you fussed when I had you play on your own for even a bit while I went to the restroom, you refused to eat any of your solids, and Mr. Crankypants, you missed two of your usual three naps, sleeping only a total of 40 minutes ALL day, which is completely out of the ordinary for you. I had so much to do today, and needless to say, I got none of it done.  At times, I grumbled at my non-progress, this mess that is our home right now, and the frustration that though I'm exhausted, I have nothing to show for my efforts.  

Except... you make it all better.  You always do.  You had trouble staying asleep tonight, waking and crying after only 40 minutes... (those darn teeth!)...  Dad went in to soothe you, but when I went in, you immediately turned and reached out your little arms and leaned your whole body towards me.  Your frantic whimpering stopped as soon as I took you in my arms.   You hooked your little hand around my neck and nuzzled your face against my chest. And there was peace.  And calm.  It was such a tender, magic moment that I could have held and rocked you forever. I hummed our lullaby song as your breathing slowed and relaxed... Once in a while, you'd pop your head up and look into my face, as if to make sure I was there.  Yes, Baby, Mom is still here.  I'm always here.  And I love you so very much... more than you can know.  

You are finally sleeping soundly.  And although I am still sitting in the middle of all my unfinished projects and chores, in this sty, really... I take back the part about having nothing to show for my exhausting efforts. You are a growing, breathing, healthy (though fussy) little boy. You're alive, so I must be doing something right.  :)  And I am so, so blessed and thankful for you.  

Sleep tight, my little owlet.  May tomorrow be another productive day.  (Though if you decide to nap long and normally tomorrow, I would be okay with that too!)

Love,

Mom

Blasted Blankets!

Reason #47 why I do not like winter:  I am constantly paranoid that Caedmon is cold, so I go in to put a blanket on him, only to have him pop his head up upon my entering.  Crying and wailing invariably ensues.  Why is he such a light sleeper???  And yet he doesn't wake when Lucy barks??  I don't get it.  It's like he can just sense me... Mom's here.  No more napping; it's time to play! 

I just learned about these merino wool sleep sacks that claim to regulate your baby's body temperature and are supposedly far superior to the Halo fleece sleep sacks.  Baby Wise Mom (from babywisemom.com) swears by them, and though pricey ($99 on sale!), I am so tempted to get it if it means no more waking (due to a paranoid mama). 

ugh... So much for a productive afternoon.  Time to retrieve my screaming baby... ugh.... darn you, blankets!!!!

Lil Wayne

Presenting... Lil Wayne!

 Happy Halloween!
(Disregard the pearls at the bottom of Lil Wayne's necklace!)

Feeling Ducky...?

As a new mom, I definitely feel the pressure.  You want what's best for your kid... and that includes a rockin' cute Halloween costume.  But it's the day before Halloween, and all I have are a few half-baked ideas and a duck costume.  

The duck costume, which we borrowed from one of Wayne's coworkers, is actually very cute, but I was trying to come up with something clever.  Something original.  Something outside the box a little that will cause others say, "What a GREAT costume!"  I'm inspired by one mom friend who dressed her newborn as a piece of nigiri sushi, complete with a ribbon wasabi dollop on her head.  Or the photo I saw of a baby chippendale who was donned in nothing but a bow tie and diaper with dollar bills tucked in.  See, that made you chuckle, didn't it?  Super cute and clever!  

I'm sure we'll all ooh and aww no matter what, because the great thing about babies is that they look cute in everything, but I have a little bit more time.  Let's see what I can and have the energy to actually crank out! ... Though that duck costume is looking mighty adorable... and quick and easy right about now.

duck...

duck...

Goose!

(our nickname for our Lucy Goosey)

A Solid Start.

We did it!  Caedmon had his first taste of solids today, and really, it was just a taste, as barely any of it was actually swallowed.  But I know the purpose of these first few feedings is to get him acclimated to this new way of eating, and soon enough, he'll be a happy little muncher. 

I've been reading this book (of course) called Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron, which is an excellent resource on all things related to feeding your baby, including how to make your own baby food, and I can't wait to start!  ... Wow... we've started solids.  Has it really been six months already?  He truly is growing up so fast!

Here are pictures from this first feeding:

 

Uh, Mom... What am I doing up on this chair? 

 

What is this??? 

 

Maybe this isn't so bad... 

 

I did it! 

 

Stop freaking out, Mom.  I can do it myself!

Ready for Solids?

Caedmon has been waking the last few nights for food, which he normally doesn't do.  He's also been grabbing at my drinking glass and the other day snagged a chunk of Wayne's peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and before Wayne could do anything, stuffed it in his mouth!  We think he's ready for solids.  He'll be six months on Tuesday, so it's about time... and we're starting today!

Caedmon may be ready for solids, but the question is, am I???  He will be waking up from his morning nap in a few minutes, and I'm running through how this first feeding will go... do I have the brown rice cereal ready?  How many teaspoons of cereal to milk ratio?  Where should we have him eat regularly?  What about today?  Where is the lighting best for photos and video of this milestone?  Do I have all the spoons and bowls washed?  Okay... check the book one more time, what order do I feed him breast milk and solids?  Let's review last minute tips... okay, no laughing if he spits out food, even if it's cute, so I do not reinforce this behavior... be patient even if he doesn't seem to take to solids right away... one new food every 3 to 4 days...

I feel like I'm cramming for a test.

He's waking... okay, here goes!

 

All set... just insert Baby here.

Glider Makeover

We were lucky enough to inherit a very nice glider and a comfy gliding ottoman, separately, so that the two didn't match.  The glider was a light denim--a tad frumpy, but liveable... and the ottoman was beige in a fuzzy velour-type fabric.  Nothing screams hip, young mom like light denim and fuzzy velour.

Before

 

I'm kicking myself for not getting a picture of the ottoman.  It bugged me so much that it mismatched that I purposely left it out of all my pictures and then forgot to take a formal "before" picture. oops... but it was fuzzy and beige... a little dingy... had a Dora band-aid on it from its previous owner.  You get the idea.

Well, hip, young mom is still questionable, but one thing is for sure, I have a VERY cool new glider and matching ottoman!  This project had been on my to-do list for over five months, and I finally tackled it this weekend while visiting my parents!  (nothing to do + doting grandma to free up hands = productivity)

After

 There are pockets on both sides... for, you know, all your glider essentials.

  

Caedmon seems to like it, too! ... though he hasn't been scratching at this glider arm.  :(

 

I think it fits in nicely with the rest of the nursery, wouldn't you say?

Lucky in Love: 5 Month Update

Today was one of those days that I just felt so lucky to be Caedmon's mom... and so incredibly blessed that I get to stay home with him this year and watch this fantastic little boy grow.  Nothing special happened today. We didn't even go anywhere during the day, which is usually a recipe for major cabin fever and stir-craziness.  No, we just stayed home, and played... read books, engaged in an all-out tummy tickling and giggle fest, danced to corny children's music, and scratched at different fabrics and surfaces around the house (one of Caedmon's favorite games). 

I never thought I'd enjoy staying at home as much as I do... doing so much of nothing, haha.  But I get to nurture and care for my baby who is growing up before my eyes!  And that's far from nothing... it's everything! 

Caedmon turned five months on Sunday.  Some milestones he reached this past month... he's rolling both ways, all over the place, sleeping through the night (from 7 to 7!), and recently started sitting on his own.  Some non-milestones that I never want to forget... Caedmon LOVES being naked.  Whenever we strip him of his diaper for bath time, he squeals and laughs and has the biggest smile on his face.  He also loves the arm of the glider.  It's one of his favorite "toys"... not his stuffed hippo, nor colorful teething ring, or even the ever popular Sophie Giraffe.  Nope, it's the arm of the glider that has really caught his fancy, scratching it and mouthing it to his heart's delight.  Go figure.  And just yesterday, he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Yeah, I'm just a little bit head over heels for this little boy...  Just as a mama should be.

 

 

 5 Months!  Not the kind of solids I envisioned starting on, though...

 

Me and my little man!

 

He loves that upholstered arm...

It's Naked Baby!

 

Sitting like a big boy!

Garage Sale Success

Today was our neighborhood's annual community yard sale, and we scored these two fun toys for Caedmon!  He may be a little young right now, but I'm excited to teach him how to write letters for the mailbox and leave little surprises in there for him.  The lawn mower is also a bubble blower.  I considered it brand new at Target for $20, but we got it today for just $1!  STEAL!  Considering what we paid for the lawnmower, though, the mailbox was a rip-off at $5... It was early on in our garage sale hunting, and I was just a bit of an eager-beaver.  (Oooh!!!  I love this mailbox!!!! And it's only $5!!!)  Didn't try to bargain.  Don't even know if I could have, given how overtly excited I was.  Still, two fun items for $6 is not bad!

P.S. We were able to fit these two items in the bottom of our stroller!  Yay, for the Uppababy Vista!

Boy Cookies

I have a term for cookies that guys make.  I call them "boy cookies", because, well, they taste like a boy made them.  Not that that's necessarily a horrible thing, but they really do taste... different.  You know what I'm talking about.  They're a little to a lot drier.  A little to a lot denser.  They're a little to a lot just not as good.

I've been bugging Wayne to try his hand at boy cookies for some time now, you know, just for kicks.  I wanted to see what makes boy cookies boy cookies, if it's the same recipe used by everyone else.  (Wayne says it's so I can watch and laugh at him, which is also partially true).  Up until this point, Wayne just hasn't had the desire to help me figure out the nuances of the boy cookie (or to be laughed at mockingly by me), but one fateful day, I made a bet with Wayne, which he lost, and guess what?  It's boy cookie time!

So we manned our respective stations--Wayne behind the mixer, and me, perched at the kitchen counter, kicking my legs in eager anticipation for the show ahead of me.  I giggled when Wayne clumsily cracked the eggs and proceeded to SHAKE out the egg whites, as one shakes out the last bits of cereal from its box.  I literally guffawed when Wayne separated the egg yolk and then didn't know where to put it, and so set it gingerly back in its shell, tried to balance it on the counter, then resorted to a plate (a little prep bowl, perhaps?).  And then I snickered when Wayne proceeded to sprinkle in each ingredient, instead of just dumping it in to the mixing bowl... With the Olympics on in the background, I cheered on the US Men's 4x100m swimming relay... I watched Grevers explode to the front with his backstroke and then Japan creep into the lead after the breaststroke leg... looked over, and Wayne was sprinkling.... Phelps caught up!  Adrian stretches the lead!, still sprinkling... US wins gold!, sprinkling... post-race interview, Phelps earns his 18th career gold medal!, sprinkling.  And sprinkling... and sprinkling. 

But at the end of the night, Wayne was the one who had the last laugh, because his cookies were AMAZING!  They were crispy on the outside and chewy throughout, and they were humongous!  "Man cookies", Wayne calls them.  And I have to admit that these boy--er, man cookies were better than many girl cookies I've had.  So I happily eat my words, along with a mouthful of cookie goodness. 

Good job, Sweetheart!  So proud of you!

 

Wayne studies the recipe before proceeding.

 

Wayne's meticulously shaken-out egg white and creatively, if oddly, placed egg yolk.

 

still sprinkling...

 

Man Cookies!

 

And man, they're delicious!

Sleep Train...

... a ticket to a better night's sleep.

We started sleep training last night.  For us, we decided to use the cry-it-out (CIO) method, aka rip-my-heart-out.  Though highly controversial in the parenting world, CIO is effective, and after reading my many books and speaking with other moms who say CIO changed their lives, we chose to have Caedmon cry it out, as well.  It is what it sounds like--we let Caedmon cry it out when we put him down for naps and bed, in order to teach him how to fall asleep on his own, even if it means letting him cry for hours (though each family sets their own limit--ours is two hours for night sleep).  CIO gets a bad rap because it's hard, but hard doesn't mean wrong, and I'm eager to be teaching Caedmon this very important skill.

We knew Caedmon was ready for CIO when he started falling asleep more independently.  Though we were still rocking him a lot (so much so that my knees were starting to hurt), we would put him down increasingly more awake, and often he would let out one cry of protest, then turn his head to the left, suck his fingers, and fall asleep. We knew he could do it.

So we started last night, and actually, Caedmon is doing really well.  Last night, he cried for 24 minutes before falling asleep, and tonight, only 13.  For his naps, he took less than 10 minutes each time, and for one nap, he didn't cry at all!  I knew falling asleep wouldn't be Caedmon's struggle, though.  It would be falling BACK asleep after waking prematurely, and that has definitely proven to be true thus far.  This morning, he cried for nearly an hour, but just as I was about to get him, all was quiet and he was off in dreamland!  He's learning, our little chipmunk! 

Ask any mom who has done CIO, though, and she will tell you how heart-wrenching this is.  It takes all my will not to rush in there and "rescue" my baby, but I know that in doing so, I would be acting on my own emotions and robbing him of the chance to learn how to sleep.  I actually got choked up a little even BEFORE I put Caedmon down for bed last night, as I was giving him a small pep talk that was as much for me as it was for him.  But what strengthens my resolve is seeing Caedmon's fast progress and knowing that after this, my baby will own an important skill, and we'll all get better rest.  Caedmon still greets me with a big smile when I get him from his crib, so I also know he's doing just fine.

Just like mastering any new skill, though, there will naturally be some regression along with the progress, as we spiral towards the end goal.  These moments will be rough, so wish us the best this week as we continue to cry it out.  Hopefully, I'll have positive results to share soon!

[cue jingle]

Earlier this week, Caedmon fell asleep while playing on his playmat.  That's when we knew he was definitely ready to learn how to fall asleep independently.

Armed with video monitor, notebook, and graph, I am ready to log everything Caedmon.  It's not nutty; it helps me figure out what works best for him, his patterns, and track his progress!

Not Just a Blob Anymore: 3 Month Update

Caedmon turned three months old on Monday, and I'm amazed at how much he's growing and developing.  In just a month, he has gained much control of his neck so that he is able to sit in the bebePod unassisted.  He rolls over from tummy to back on both sides, and looks as if he'll be rolling from back to tummy very soon.  His favorite toy is his hands and fingers, often sucking on them so voraciously that he gags himself.  And he is "talking" so much; I love his "ah-goo"s and other baby babble.  Recently, he discovered how to increase the volume of his voice, so now he also enjoys yelling across the room.  And today, he laughed out loud for the first time!  That is probably the most beautiful sound to a mother's ears. 

My favorite development, though, is how attentive and responsive Caedmon has become.  He watches me when I enter and leave the room, and he is clearly happy when he sees me and Wayne.  He not only loves to smile, I've noticed that he loves to make US smile.  Caedmon has this special smirk, like he's flirting with us, and he pulls this out especially when we're trying to put him down for a nap.  He will be really sleepy as I lay him down in his crib, but as soon as his head hits the mattress, his eyes will spring open and he will coo and smile, inviting me to play.  I feel rude in ignoring him, so I've been keeping my eyes closed while I soothe him to sleep, so as not to make eye contact.  Wayne also came up with the idea of acting sleepy, so that Caedmon will pick up on our cues and become drowsy himself.  As I rock Caedmon, I have my eyes closed and Wayne will sometimes stand next to us, eyes closed, head down, breathing heavily, and yawning.  It's a pretty funny sight, I'm sure.  It seems to work, but for all I know, Caedmon is just laughing at how goofy his parents look.

Caedmon is also responding to our emotional cues.  As I shared in my last post, I have been trying SO hard to get him to nap longer and better.  The other day, I burst into tears after Caedmon woke early from his morning nap.  This has been the one nap I've been able to count on (two to three hours!), and has become my new found freedom, allowing me time to work on my scrapbook, journal, eat breakfast leisurely... It's when all is right in the world, because he is actually sleeping well.  So when he woke early, it was like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and I burst into tears.  When Caedmon, who had been happily perched in Wayne's arms, saw me, a look of alarm came over his face and he immediately burst into tears too!  And after I quickly regained my composure to smile at him, Caedmon, sensing that all harm was gone, beamed back at me, as well.  It really took me by surprise that he was so in tune with us emotionally.  And it amazes me that he's learning what emotions look like and mean.

Our little baby is growing so much and so fast!   And how special it is that we get to witness all these developments!  Caedmon is truly no longer a blob anymore, but a tiny person.  I look forward to watching and helping this tiny person get bigger, grow stronger, and gain in maturity.  How wonderful it is to be a mom.

"Well, the book says..."

The Nursing Mother's Companion
What to Expect: The First Year
Your Baby's First Year
Babywise
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
The Sleep Easy Solution
The Wonder Weeks
Baby Play
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer
The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems

These are the books I've read over the last three months.  Let's not forget the countless websites and mommy forums I've also pored through.  I'm crazy!!!  And a stress case, trying to do everything "right" according to the books. While Caedmon's week 8 fussies are gone, thank goodness (they were most likely caused by a developmental leap, according to The Wonder Weeks), he is still napping poorly. Except for his morning nap, which is still a solid 2 hours, he naps for only 30-45 minutes each time for the rest of the day.  And I am on a mission to solve this problem that has been plaguing my entire being.

So I have immersed myself in baby literature, and perhaps, as Wayne suggests, it may be causing more harm than good.  While I am definitely more informed, I may be TOO informed.  I am hyper-vigilant during his activity time, mindful not to overstimulate him and simultaneously watching his cues and the clock, lest we keep him up too long.  I employ soothing-to-sleep methods while putting him down, careful to get the technique just right, as I've read over and over and rehearsed in my head.  When he stirs, I put on white noise or administer the "shush-pat", as advised by the Baby Whisperer.  Sometimes he sleeps extra long in the mornings, and I worry, "Is this okay?  Will it interfere with the rest of his day?  The books say he should be napping 1 1/2 to 2 hours."  And the worst is when he wakes early, as he always does, and I am at a loss... I've done everything right!  Perhaps it is the "45-minute intruder", according to Babywise, and he is hungry.  But he isn't interested in food, and I don't want to turn him into a snacker, as warned by the Baby Whisperer.  Is it another wonder week?  Or a growth spurt, which What to Expect says should come around this time... Okay, let's see what Babywise Mom has to say...

Wow, I sound like a nut.  And poor Wayne has to listen and endure my frantic distress.  But he is so patient.  Yes, he calls me crazy, but he also reminds me that books are books; we have a REAL BABY, not a robot.  And what a joyful baby we have!  Caedmon is thriving, smiling and happy.  Why am I so worried all the time?

I really should just take a deep breath and a step back... and away from all these books and references.  With my nose buried so deeply into these guides and my mind so wrapped up in what "should be", I may miss out on these fleeting magical moments.  Perhaps I should listen to my own intuition sometimes, or just let go, roll with the punches, and ENJOY this time, even if Caedmon isn't napping.  I need to relax, revel in these moments, and remember that every child is different, and no matter how difficult the problem, this, too, shall pass.

Because, you know, that's what the books say...

Goodbye, Indee.

Indee passed away on Tuesday.  She was 15.  My mom had taken her to the vet, because Indee hadn't been eating.  Dwindled to a mere 22 lbs, Indee was weak and had trouble standing without shaking.  The vet said it was time, so my mom held Indee in her lap as she took her last breaths.  Before she left us, Indee let out a tiny whimper, as if to say "goodbye".

I'm going to miss my pup.  After all, she was my first love. 

I still remember when we picked her from the litter.  We had chosen her because the breeder had said that she was extra adventurous and brave.  Hm... did he have the right puppy?  Because our little Indee turned out to be prone to car sickness (she threw up in my lap on the drive home), terrified of new experiences (she scampered up every driveway during our early walks, desperately hoping it was home), and skittish at sudden movements (or maybe we had lunged at her one too many times to pick her up and hold her... think Elmira, from Animaniacs).  Still, Indee endured our antics and in true canine fashion, demonstrated her devotion and loyalty to us unconditionally.

Indee was exceedingly sweet.  So much so that she became a favorite amongst the neighborhood children.  One time while I was visiting home from college, the doorbell rang.  I looked at my mom quizzically, as we weren't expecting any visitors, only to have my mother say very nonchalantly as she made her way to the door, "Oh, that must be Indee's friends."  Sure enough, there on our doorstep was a handful of elementary-aged children, leash in hand, asking if Indee could come out and play. 

Indee was also popular with the early morning hikers on Mission Peak, the hiking trail by our house.  My mom and Indee used to hike that trail almost every day, and Indee would run back and forth excitedly, greeting fellow hikers along the way.  All the regulars knew "Indee and her owner".  I think Indee was happiest on that trail. 

We knew Indee was getting old when she started losing interest in her hikes.  Usually jumping up and down when my mom put on her hiking clothes, Indee wouldn't even lift her head.  Some mornings, Indee actually hid when it was time to go, afraid my mom would drag her out.  Indee stayed with us the last two years, during which she grew increasingly weak.  Though overtaken by feebleness in these last days, Indee still made the utmost effort to spend time with us, plodding off her bed to nuzzle and sit with us as we watched TV, or sticking her nose in my face to say "good morning".

I'm going to fondly remember Indee's heart, the grin on her face while running through the hills, and even her stinkiness.  Indee's not suffering anymore; I'm thankful for that.  And I'm thankful that for the last 15 years, I've known the love of my "Golden Retriever/German Shepherd/Collie/Sheltie/Chow Chow mix". 

At the top of Mission Peak, Indee's favorite place. 

to change or not to change...

To change or not to change, that is the question... Caedmon fed really well at 5:30am, then fell promptly back to sleep, and, until he takes another turn in his development and routines, he won't wake again until around 9am.  Ahhh... peaceful bliss.  Except, one whiff of his bottom has just told me that Caedmon has soiled his diaper... so do I change him and wake him, risking the likely chance that he will not fall back asleep?  and thus, beginning the unhappy cycle of no sleep-->overtired, fussy baby-->difficulty falling asleep-->no sleep... Or do I let him sleep, subsequently allowing my son to stew in his own mess?

I have chosen the stew.

an UNhappy 2-months

Caedmon is two months old today, but instead of celebrating, I'm banging my head against the wall out of fatigue, frustration, and distress.  Caedmon's not faring any better himself.  All of a sudden this week, my "easy baby" is no longer sleeping well during his naps.  He wakes up after just 30 minutes, crying.  While I know that it is normal for babies to wake up after their 30-45 minute sleep cycles, Caedmon has been unable to fall back asleep to finish his naps.  No amount of holding or rocking or white noise has helped to even console him, let alone get him to sleep.  This has created one very sleep-deprived little boy who is now super fussy and cranky.

Just when we were falling into a routine... just when I thought we were finally figuring things out... he changes on us.

I don't know what to do with this new baby.  I'm so distraught, as nothing we do seems to help.  I've been reading and diligently implementing strategies from Babywise and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, but today, out of desperation, I threw everything I've learned out the window.  It was not eat/wake/sleep, but more like eat/sleep/eat/wake/rock/eat/sleep/rock/wake/eat.  I picked him up when he was crying instead of allowing him to self-soothe.  I kept offering him the breast when I knew he wasn't hungry, in efforts just to have him stop crying.  And in doing so, have I completely torn down all steps of progress toward routine and structure?  Honestly, that wouldn't be so impermissible had I just been able to console him!

In eleven minutes, I'm expecting The Cry... "Caedmon's call", I guess you could say.

Until then, I will lap up the rest of this peace and quiet.  And I'll share these photo taken earlier.  Sigh, just one look at his little face, and I'm restored, at least partially, and enough to press on.  This, too, shall pass, right? 

Indee Goes Home

I was going to title this post "Goodbye, Indee", but I didn't want it to seem as though Indee had passed away.  No, Indee is still alive but definitely showing signs of her old age.  This past April, Indee turned 15.  On top of her physical degeneration--frailness, old lady wart above her eye, scraggly coat, bad breath, apparent arthritis, deafness in both ears--her mental state has been steadily slipping, as well.

Her senile moments include plodding into the middle of a room and staring off into space, wandering off when I leave the front door open (not running away, just ambling about in a confused state), making accidents in the house (at least her "Indee pellets", as we call them, are dry and easy to clean up), and the other day, wandering into the space behind an open door in a bedroom, getting stuck, and loudly whimpering until I found her to set her "free"... twice.  She even tried crawling into Caedmon's bassinet that we had set on the ground, thinking it was a dog bed, to which I thoroughly freaked out. 

During my mom's last visit, she suggested that Indee come back to live with them in Fremont, now that my parents are back from China.  Though I felt bad at first for "sending her away", Indee's really just going home.  Yesterday, we said goodbye to Indee, as Sam and Steven drove her back to my parents'.  I still expect to see Indee (or smell her) when I walk into our bedroom, napping away... but I feel better knowing that she's home with my mom, and she's being well loved and receiving the proper care that an old pup like her needs. 

Caedmon.

The story behind the name "Caedmon" (as told by my sister, Sam... she did such a good job paraphrasing the folktale, that I've simply reposted here)...

In 7th century Northumbria (modern day Northern England and Southeast Scotland), there lived a quiet man named Caedmon who cared for the animals at the monastery Streonaeshalch. He didn't know much about music, so when the monks would play instruments and sing, he'd shamefully leave the festivities to just be alone with the animals and go to sleep early.

Gaelic legends say that the Lord came to him in a dream and asked him to sing. At first, he refused because of his lack of knowledge and insecurity. But he eventually obeyed, and music came out! When he awoke, he remembered the words and tune he sang and wrote down the song that God put on his heart.

He went on to pen many more songs and poems with his newfound boldness. English writers of sacred verse tried to imitate Caedmon for centuries, but none managed to parallel his words' descriptive beauty.

Wayne and I also hope and pray that our Caedmon will grow up to know and listen to the Lord and His calling.  Welcome to the world, little guy! 
 

an owl-themed nursery

Here's our owl-themed nursery!  You can't see it, but the bookshelf in the corner contains owl bookends that I just adore!  (Thank you, FHS staff!)  I wasn't able to find a motorized mobile with owls on it, so I took one with jungle animals on it (thank you, Colleen!) and changed them out with owl stroller toys (and thanks, Aunt Sam!). 

I hope our son likes owls!  :)

39 weeks

That's me and Baby--39 weeks (and a day) along.  I'm feeling great, though.  Surprisingly, no backache, no heartburn, no swollen ankles... I never even had morning sickness.  But for all my mom friends who are narrowing your eyes with envy, may I console you by telling you that I DID have (and still have remnants of) a HORRENDOUS rash, not once but twice in my pregnancy.  The second time was so horrific that my doctor called in two other physicians to look at me.  Apparently, I had an infection stemming from my navel that manifested itself in a nasty rash all over my belly that spread to my back, arms, legs, and a little on my face.  See, I've had my own pregnancy woes.

But I'm almost there!  No signs of contractions yet (or at least I'm not feeling them), but his head is really low, and I feel his arrival is imminent. 

I'm trying to convince Baby to wait just a little bit longer, though.  I still have Amsterdam and London to finish in my Europe album, I wanted to clean our home from top to bottom, and I have many odds and ends errands to run... Please, Baby, Mamma just needs a little more time.

A friend whose due date was just a day before mine had her baby last night!  (Congrats, Steph and Tony!)  Yup... he's coming, whether I'm ready or not.  I suppose I had better get used to living by a schedule that isn't entirely mine anymore, anyway...

Pregnancy Brain

It's a real condition.  Though some cursory research on the internet shows that most researchers have found no scientific proof for pregnancy brain, most moms will attest to its reality.  I can, too.  While many women experience pregnancy brain in the form of absent-mindedness, my pregnancy brain has manifested itself mostly in my misreading of words, which hasn't caused much harm except for momentary bouts of confusion.

For example, this morning, a friend on Facebook shared an article from the news site www.baycitizen.com, and I read "babycitizen" and wondered why a baby site would be reporting on a developing murder story and why this friend (male, engaged-but-not-yet-married) would be frequenting sites like babycitizen.com.  And how reputable is this source anyway?...when I realized my mistake.

There have been many, many, MANY more occurrences, but I also chalk it up to pregnancy brain that I've subsequently forgotten them all.

Showered with Love

This weekend, Wayne, Baby, and I were showered with so much love from our friends and family.

On Friday was Shower #1, thrown by Wayne's coworkers! It was so kind and sweet of them to do this for us!

 

four different cupcake flavors: chocolate peanut butter, chocolate cookies 'n cream, vanilla blackberry, and vanilla cookies 'n cream.  I tried them all, of course.

Lots of babies!  Ours will be in good company.

 Baseball-themed diaper cake!

I LOVE these owl bookends!!!

 I've already put them to good use!

Saturday was Shower #2, thrown by Sam, Emily, Stef, and Sanli!  These ladies put in so much time,  effort, and creativity into making this children's book themed event super special! 

Fun, frilly sign made by Emily!

These lanterns were made by my sister, Sam, and are covered with pictures from favorite children's books.

Stef made these book garlands that contained actual excerpts from Where the Red Fern Grows, my favorite book.

 Our food fit the theme too.  Here are cupcake pops (made by Sanli) from If You Give a Cat a Cupcake.  Other treats were Rainy with a Chance of Meatballs cocktail meatballs, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie chocolate chip cookies, Puff the Magic Dragon pastry puffs, The Hungry Caterpillar fresh fruit, The Tales of Peter Rabbit veggies and hummus, and The Stinky Cheese Man baked brie and crackers.

 The diaper station, where friends wrote messages to us on diapers.  This should bring a smile even during midnight diaper changes!

 Everyone brought a favorite children's book to help our little bookworm start his collection.

 The favors: fabric-covered button bookmarks (handmade by Stef) attached to library book check-out sleeves (designed and printed by Emily).

 Emily, Stef, Sam, and Sanli--THANK YOU for such a fun and beautiful shower!  

I feel so, so, SO blessed by everyone's love this weekend!  Thank you!!!