We are on Day 6 (of 9) of our San Diego/LA trip, and while we're having a grand ol' time, Caedmon is surely feeling the strain of constant late nights and early mornings. On Tuesday, I took him with me to meet with an old friend for lunch, and all of these late nights and early mornings manifested itself into one horribly whiny, restless, screaming toddler who could have been a poster child for birth control. I think I spotted little horns sprouting from his head.
It was definitely the worst experience I've had with him at a restaurant yet, and though I took him outside several times to discipline him (which usually works), it did nothing to quell his tantrums. To rub salt into the wound, next to us were two tables practically brimming with highchair-aged children, all sitting prettily and obediently. I was mortified. And I was frustrated that I didn't get to catch up with my friend very well at all. I found myself explaining apologetically, "He's not always like this", which is really what moms with misbehaving children say to make themselves feel better. There was no question about it, I was paying for her lunch; I felt so bad.
Afterwards, I kept thinking about what transpired earlier that day. In the back of my mind and diaper bag had sat a guaranteed solution to Caedmon's tantrums—an old disconnected smartphone that we use as a video device. Caedmon loves videos (what toddler does not?), but I try to limit his screen time, because well, that's the Good Mom thing to do. A Good Mom feeds her children healthy, well-balanced meals without too many sugary snacks in between. A Good Mom teaches obedience with firm yet gentle rebukes. And a Good Mom most definitely limits screen time. A Good Mom doesn't sedate her child every time she needs him to behave, which isn't obedience at all but a state of comatosis. And a Good Mom definitely wouldn't give her child the device as a reward for his ill-behavior. And I want to be a Good Mom. Still, I couldn't help but think that by sticking to my no-screen-time convictions, I had simply set us all up for failure.
Though I don't want to be an indulgent parent who creates a virtual monster, I also don't want to be so rigid that in training up my child, I miss the larger perspective that along with striving to be a Good Mom, I am also a wife, a friend, a sister. Balancing and valuing these different roles is just as important as embracing my role as mother. Caedmon's problem was that he didn't know how to exercise self-control at the table, and he surely wasn't going to learn how in that moment while I was out with my friend, when he was already tired and cranky. Perhaps I should have been more acute to signs of early meltdown, and considering the priority of meeting with a faraway friend I hadn't seen in years, offered the device as a reward for doing something good, anything good (and then kept a mental note to work extra hard on this obedience thing at home).
Today, I had another lunch date with an old coworker and dear friend, and with my diaper bag slightly bulgier than usual, I was armed with a smarter and fuller arsenal. And I wasn't afraid to use it. BAM! Out came the freeze-dried fruit chips *gasp* before lunch. ZAP! Graham cracker cookie bites are oh-so-yummy instead of the quesadilla ordered for lunch. POW! Whining? Have some fruit snacks. I was prepared to pull out the bazooka—the smartphone—when I realized I had accidentally left it behind (blast!), but thankfully, there was a bulldozer shoveling dirt RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. I kid you not. It was like God sent me an angel in the form of a Cat construction vehicle.
And so Caedmon was stuffed with sugary treats (more or less wholegrain and made with all-natural fruit juice, this defensive mommy insists on adding), but he was content, and I was too, because this friend and I were able to talk and reconnect and reminisce, which is salve for any soul. And when we return from vacation, we'll work on table manners—apart from long-awaited reunions with friends and unassuming diners trying to enjoy their meals. Sugary snacks and Veggie Tales galore will not be a norm, but sometimes, I need to know when to give in a little, for my sake as well as his.
Because, really, I'd go broke if I kept paying for lunch.
3 comments:
Aw, you're such a Good Mom! YOU ARE! This is such a great post and it helps me as I reflect on how I will deal with similar situations. You know I my mindset is SO similar to yours when it comes to these things-- ahh...I'll remember to take note of of your ammo. :)
I absolutely love this post! So refreshing.
This sounds quite familiar...too often, I worry too much about what kind of mom I look like to people around me - even strangers. It's silly really, and I tie too much of my own worth into my child's behavior. Having quality time with a good friend can be so rare for many moms, so - like you said - sometimes you have to give in. And it's so worth it, isn't it? :)
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