If I Could, I Would, but I Can't, So... Let Me Think About It

I just received a call from Valley High School, where I taught during my first year.  They have a .6 position open for next semester (meaning I would teach 3 classes instead of the usual 5 plus a prep period), and they actually remembered how I mentioned in passing last year that if I were to teach now, it would be part-time at a .6.  The VP who called even went on to say that he doesn't do this for everyone, but because of the teacher he knows I am, he would work with me to give me the classes and schedule that would work best for me.  (Wow, so flattering...)  And my response?  I told him that I'd think about it!

What??  I can't go back right now!  Not next semester already.  I've made a commitment to Caedmon to stay with him at least another school year, and really, a not-set-in-stone-but-pretty-much-there commitment to our family to stay home until all the kids are in school.  Plus, I already HAVE a .6 contract from which I'm currently taking a leave!  Though I have talked about going back to Valley, an inner-city school where I feel I'm actually making a difference, if not academically, but as a (perhaps) rare positive adult in my students' lives, I know in my heart of hearts that this is not the right timing for this opportunity.

So then why did I say, "maybe"?  

Because I didn't want to say "no".  Because for a few days, I want to feel like I have options, that I am someone who is valued for her abilities and talents.  That I could actually be good at something again, because though I know it's trite to say, I honestly do feel like I am failing miserably at this new job as stay-at-home-mom to Caedmon (post about that in the works).  That maybe I can put my time into something that will yield more tangible and quick-bearing fruit (though this is teaching... Really? There is absolutely no guarantee of any such tangible or quick-bearing fruit!)

But.  But this--staying home and raising Caedmon--is worth it, right?  He just woke up and is now screaming... always the screaming... My patience is so thin... I'm so tired... Yet this is worth it.  Right?  Though I don't feel like it at all in this moment, I know it is--for us.  In no way do I equate being a good mom to staying home, but if we have thought it through and have made a commitment, I feel it WOULD be remiss of me to change my mind based solely on my fleeting circumstances and Caedmon's ever-changing moods.  And so I just have to grin and bear it.. maybe even cry and bear it, but bear it all the same, because though these fruits are elusive and slow during the toddler years (and perhaps through the elementary years and the teenage years--God, help me...), I do trust and believe that I am where I should be right now.  No, I'm not trying to be a martyr, just a mother who sometimes has a rough day (make that many days)... who will turn down a job offer next week so that she can keep doing what is currently kicking her butt.  

"Let us not be weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:9

This is Trouble...

  

Not Just a Stay-at-Home-Mom

Today I made my final decision to extend my leave from teaching for another year.  I spoke with my principal, got the necessary signatures, turned in my paperwork to HR... and that's that.  ... But let me tell you, that was one of the harder decisions I've had to make, and I was vacillating even up until I actually handed in my documents.  ...because to extend my leave another year is really just a precursor to the ultimate decision to stay home entirely, which means I may not teach for at least ten years, when the kids are in school... or ever.

My struggle, I'm sure, is shared by many a mother who desires deeply to care for and nurture her own children, teach and instill values, watch them grow... but at the same time, has an almost equal eagerness for meaningful work outside of the home, to earn an income no matter how big or small, and to be a part of something that she takes pride in, that is all her own.

In choosing to stay home, I feel a little like the kid who's been asked to watch everyone's belongings as they all scamper off to ride the new rollercoaster.  It's an important responsibility, and one that I've completely embraced and enjoyed more than I could imagine this past year, but my I-can-do-it-all mentality makes me want to drag everything behind me and jump in the wheeling car, totebags, water bottles, and cameras haphazardly in tow.  I realize this analogy is faulty on so many levels (for one, my son is not a backpack), but the essence of it is I want to have both--to stay home AND teach, which isn't a viable option at the moment.

Even last night, as Wayne was sharing with me his day, I couldn't help but miss teaching already.  And with all seriousness, I lamented, "I feel like my life is over!"  He smiled, because I have a propensity (just a slight one) for being overdramatic, but what I mean is, I feel like MY life... all that was and is Cecilia's, is being taken away.  This was the case as soon as Caedmon was born--my schedule was no longer my own, my sleep, my body, my free-time... and now my work... is no longer my own.  MY life is now my family's.  And it is completely wonderful... and still completely difficult to adjust to my shifting identity.

Whether I see it as a blessing or a curse, or just plain reality, my sister helped remind me of what a calling this is.  She said that being a mom should be more than just keeping her family fed and alive.  A mom has the capacity to truly mold her family, to nurture and guide her children to understand and seek God's heart, to instill sound values and ethics to shape an individual who is loving, confident, and a contributing member of society. A mom doesn't have to stay home in order to take on this all-important role, but if she does, her identity and value have not diminished, as I can't help but feel. No, I will not be JUST a stay-at-home-mom, because a mom who chooses to stay at home, who directs the time, energy, and creativity once reserved for work, towards her family... is noble and significant and irreplaceable.

A friend of mine, a very driven woman who left her flourishing career to be home and whose relationship with her son I can only hope to have with Caedmon one day, shared her thoughts with me, as she now prepares to send her son off to college this coming fall.  She told me that yes, I will miss my job, I will miss interacting with other adults in a professional context, I will miss the challenge and gratification that is afforded in advancing my career... but I will not miss any milestones, any teachable moments, any grubby fingers that insist on grabbing my hair, my hand, and my heart.  And as all moms say, because it's true, cherish it, because it all goes by so fast.  I appreciate this advice from a mother who is looking back on a journey that I am just beginning.

As I made my final decision, I determined that as much as I love teaching, I love spending time with Caedmon during the day even more.  I'm just a novice, but I will strive to be a mom with purpose, who will nurture Caedmon's soul as much as his intellect and physical body, and pour into this new job even more than I did with my old.

With my extension paperwork signed, sealed, and delivered... Caedmon, I'm yours.

Yay, at least another year home with Mom!

Cat's Out of the Bag!

Last week, a student (during detention, nonetheless) asked me, "Mrs. To, can I ask you a question?  ... Don't be offended."  uhh... Before I had a chance to say anything, he asked, "Are you pregnant?"  what??  The look on my face said it all, though, and he and the few other students in my room started cheering and exclaiming, "I knew it!"

Since my little secret was out, I announced my pregnancy to the rest of my classes today.  And to my surprise, they all told me that they had been speculating for weeks!  They said that they knew because I was wearing a lot of baggy and loose clothes, and some of them noticed my baby bump.  I guess they do just stare at me for an hour every day... but still, I thought I was being SO slick.  I had even boasted to friends that my students had no idea, and I was probably going to be able to hold out until after Christmas!

I guess my students are a lot more observant than I give them credit for. 

It was very sweet to have my students so happy and excited for me... though I did advise them that "are you pregnant?" is never a good question to ask a woman!

Teaching the Von Trapps to Sing

The hills are alive with the sound of music… and not just because it’s summer break and I have Grey’s Anatomy streaming on Netflix, but because I’ve emerged from my first year of teaching as a stronger, more confident and capable educator.

What a year it has been.  I remember when I first started… I was a doe-eyed, naïve, idealistic, guitar-wielding nun from the convent... oh, wait.  Scratch that last part.  What I mean to say is, I was a deer in the headlights, facing 120 inquiring (and not-so-inquiring) minds every day, and I had no idea what I was doing.  It was frightening.  I still don’t completely know what I’m doing, but I have at least one year’s experience under my belt.  And beyond the curriculum, the classroom management strategies, and the professional development, I have witnessed the power of relationship building, and what it can do for the classroom.

I had my independent Liesls (“I’m 16 years old, and I DON’T need a governess!”), impossible Friedrichs, mischievous Louisas, incorrigible but lovable Kurts, the seldom but always appreciated nose-in-the-book Brigittas, and the well-behaved Martas and Gretls.  I had 120 of them, and it was cowboys and Indians when I first started… when they were testing me, and I was going insane, and there was no work getting done in the classroom.

But what a transformation. 

I guess it just took time, and also very purposeful relationship building… talking to the Liesls about their boy problems, encouraging the Friedrichs and Kurts to step up when they were afraid or didn’t want to do their work, joking with the Louisas, and showing them all that I genuinely cared about them.  And that has made all the difference. 

By the end of the school year, the Von Trapps were analyzing poetry, critically reading and responding to newspaper articles and other expository texts, and experiencing, understanding and acting out Shakespeare!  I am SO proud of the strides they have made, and even more, the effort they put forth into deepening their minds. 

And what a transformation in myself, as well.  I can now genuinely say that I enjoy teaching and am starting to carve out my niche in the profession.  I love my students and helping them see and reach their potential.  And instead of ending each day thinking, "I can't wait until next year... when I don't have to do this anymore," it's now, "I can't wait until next year... when I can do it again and do it better!" 

It is ironic that now that I have finally embraced the profession, I don’t know if there will even be a “next year.”  I’ve been pink slipped, of course, and with the potential $40 million budget cut next school year in our district, the prospect of being rehired looks bleak for me.  I did have a very encouraging “we’re-letting-you-go-but-will-do-our-best-to-rehire-you” meeting with my principal before I left, but in the end, it comes down to dollars and seniority, neither of which is on my side.

So I don’t know what will happen come August and September, but whatever happens, I take comfort in the fact that God is orchestrating this symphony.  Nonetheless, I am so thankful for this past year.  If nothing else, it has helped me better understand my husband and what he goes through every day.  For now, I will take this time to relax a bit, unwind, and celebrate that at least for one year, I was able to teach the Von Trapps to sing. 

Act 1, Scene 5--ACTION!

Today my students put on a relatively quickly-prepared performance of Act 1, Scene 5 of Romeo and Juliet (the party scene in which Romeo and Juliet meet).  We spent a couple of days last week in reading, interpreting, and blocking the scene.  I sent them home with masks to complete as homework, and today I taught them a simple Elizabethan dance (to the tune of "Love Story" by Taylor Swift) before we put the whole scene in motion.  Sounds like a fun activity, right?  But honestly, I was dreading this day all weekend. 

I really had no idea how it would turn out, as some of my kids LOVE this unit and others look like they want to stab their eyes out.  It's one thing to passively sit there and take notes or work on a handout, but it's another when a teacher asks you to get up out of your seat and DO something... to speak out... and to DANCE, even.  So I had my apprehensions about today.  There would be so much to juggle and so many students to win over.

First period was kind of a chaotic mess, as it is many times, because it's the first time I'm going through my lesson and I'm still figuring things out.  Just like birth order, though, my first period class is like the first born, generally fairly compliant and will go along with anything I come up with, so it's not usually a problem.  While my transitions were rough and the kids stumbled through their parts, we bumbled through together and students enjoyed the activity.

Third is my middle child--more rebellious, unpredictable, and sometimes more attitude, but also my class with some of the most talent.  I was worried that they'd roll their eyes at the dance and then just sit there when it was time to perform.  Surprisingly, they ALL participated in the dance, and I do believe I detected smiles and even laughter.  :)  They're also the ones who came up with having two boys play Romeo and Juliet (since I taught them that's how Shakespeare did it in the old days), which made for one of the more interesting scenes of the day.

Seventh, oh, seventh.  They definitely are the "baby" of my scholastic family--they make more noise, they demand more of my attention, and there needs to be more structure and rules in place.  But they are fun and full of life, and just like real babies-of-the-family, they hold a special spot in my heart.  Still, I am always wary and apprehensive about new lessons that give them more freedom.  I'm afraid they're going to go crazy.  Today had potential to be one of those days, but all in all, I'd have to say that they were pretty good.  Yes, they had to be reined in--many times.  But the fact that I can actually REIN THEM IN is such a contrast to the beginning of the year, and such a huge praise! 

Oh, and my Honors?  I never talk about them, because they are so good, but I really should.  They are all so excited each day to learn more Shakespeare!  "Mrs. To, are we going to read more Romeo and Juliet today??" "Mrs. To, I know you didn't assign it yet, but I finished reading the rest of the act, and it was so good!"   An educator's DREAM, I tell you!  I was so impressed by their masks and the effort they put into dancing and acting their scene!  I even heard squeals of, "This was the best class ever!" as some of them left for the next period.  Oh, Honors... I am so blessed to have you.

So I would rate Act 1, Scene 5 as a relative success.  Phew!  In the end, I have to keep my eye on my overall goal and objective.  Are my students understanding Shakespeare more because they are EXPERIENCING it, instead of just reading it?  Are they engaged in the activities which will, in turn, hook them into studying the play?  Are they connecting the themes in Romeo and Juliet to real life and able to see how those themes develop within the play?  Hm, a pretty tall order.  I would say that I'm definitely doing my best to fill it.  Act 1, Scene 5 was not the complete disaster that I was afraid of, and there were definite moments of success, so I'll take it!

Now just four more acts to go.................

"In fair Verona, where we lay our scene..."

My beautiful poster... that I spent WAY too much time on.  It does help my kids remember who's who while we're reading and what the characters are like, though!  Now the challenge is to get them to remember that it is PRINCE ESCALUS, and not P. Diddy, who seeks peace in his kingdom!

(notice the stars for our star-crossed lovers!  those were added at 3am!)

to write or not to write, that is the question...

My students are finding me on the interwebs, which is why I haven't been posting and why I've blocked my blog for the present.  As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and loves to share (NEEDS to share), it's been difficult to view my blog as a place for just partial divulgence.  I mean, teaching is practically my life right now; how do I not write about it?  And writing has always been a means of catharsis; how do I not rely on it now as I grow through one of the toughest challenges I've ever faced?

I wish blogger had a way of hiding certain posts while making others public, like livejournal, but until then (which, according my research, will most likely be never) I am probably best off deleting all my harsh posts about teaching, and move forward with a more filtered approach. 

I don't have the heart to do this just yet... those struggles are a part of me and my growth.  So until then, I'll keep my blog private (email me if you want to be added to my readers list), and copy certain posts over to Facebook, which is where most of "my readership" is from anyway.  (I use "my readership" loosely as a concise way of referring to those who may casually encounter my posts, not because I am so conceited to believe I have any sort of a following... though by adding this parenthetical comment, I have already negated all my intentions of being concise in the first place).

7th Period Late-Breaking News

A kid lit a wad of paper on fire with a lighter today. on fire!! I called for security and admin support who came and searched backpacks and bodies, but they didn't find the lighter (darn!), but they did find a knife in one kid's bag.

sigh... Thank goodness tomorrow is a holiday!

dodging the draft

during a discussion about a poem on a civil war...

student: Mrs. To, why do people fight if they don't want to?
me: Sometimes, they have no choice... Like during WWII, if you were of a certain age and were healthy, you were DRAFTED into the war.
student: Were you drafted in WWII?
me: WWII??? ..... no, I didn't fight in WWII. ...I stayed back and took care of the wounded soldiers in the hospitals.

herding cats

I love that piece of imagery--herding cats. That's exactly how it is in 7th period every day, down to the fact that I don't like cats. But today, the kitties/kiddies weren't so bad. Full of energy as usual, but I played off their energy. I also set up a chair in the front of the room that was my "time-out" chair, though I didn't call it that. I sent students there for 5 minutes when they were talking out of turn... Time-outs work--even with 9th graders! Today, my kids were on-task, did all their questions, participated by RAISING THEIR HANDS, and discussed THEME!

One student whom I was having a REALLY hard time with has been coming after school the last two days to make up missing work. He's such a good kid, and I had a good time talking with him about wrestling and playing the drums. In the course of two days, he's brought his grade up from an F to a C!

Am I getting better at herding cats??? ... No, it's probably more because 8 students were absent, 3 of which are Trouble, bringing my class count to a manageable 26. Still, it was a good day in 7th period. I'll take it!

"Mrs. Toes"

For a class that I don't like, I sure think and talk about 7th period a lot! I know that I need to stop letting ONE class dictate how I feel towards teaching as a whole, so I am making an effort to focus on the positives that God has graced me with so far.

One such praise is one of my EL students who calls me "Mrs. Toes." I don't know if its the language thing or if she's being funny, so I just leave it. She is the sweetest little thing and is my unofficial TA. She continually asks if I need help and has come after school several times to help me with all sorts of odds and ends. After one especially hard day a few weeks ago, I left her in the room with a stack of student-drawn posters and a box of pushpins and hastily left to speak with other teachers and admin about a particularly peevish incident that occurred in 7th period. Even after speaking with admin, I still had my knickers all in a knot and was muttering under my breath as I made my way back to my classroom... but when I opened the door, I was greeted with the most welcoming site. All my posters were beautifully hung with obvious care, and there sat my student, in one of the desks in the middle of my room, quietly doing her homework while she waited for me to come back. When I thanked her for her hard work, all she said was, "You're welcome, Mrs. Toes... Do you know how to do math?" And so we did some algebra together, and though she didn't know it, I just wanted to scoop her up and hug her and take her home with me, because she was the balm that I needed for my blistery day.

I thank God for moments of reprieve like this. I know that if God allowed this job for me, then He'll also take me through it, even if I emerge with a few battle scars.

my class from hell

That would be my 7th period.

First, it was the throwing of paper. Wads of paper, paper airplanes, little paper pellets... thrown on the floor, thrown across the room, thrown at other students. I had to threaten with referrals before they stopped--more or less.

Then, there was the whistling. Because if they couldn't throw things, then maybe they could disrupt the class in a more inconspicuous way, like whistling! I also had a couple of days when someone brought party poppers and popped them, sprinkling confetti and streamers all over--in the middle of a test! Then there was the barking, and always, the incessant talking...

And now, it's the pine cones. I've been left a pine cone on my desk the last two days--strange, but innocuous. But today, when I had finally gotten everyone quiet and focused on their tests, a pine cone was launched across the floor, hitting the cabinet, and causing everyone, of course, to scream and shout and speculate about wild squirrels, etc. I, however, paid it no heed and acted like it was the most normal thing to have a large pine cone skate across the classroom floor.  Because that's what they want from me--a reaction. And I wasn't going to give it to them. Without a reaction, the disruption quickly died down, and the pine cone was left on the floor, unable to cause anymore harm.

But it's never-ending. As soon as I quell one misbehavior, another surfaces... it's like those whack-a-moles... only i wish i could actually whack some of these moles I have as students.

I wonder (dread?)... what will tomorrow bring?

the toughest job in the world

Teaching is difficult. There are so many things to juggle--130 kids, 3 different lessons a day, all their grades, one kid's special accommodations, another kid's accommodations, and another... managing a classroom (make that 5), engaging the squirrely Freshmen, actually TEACHING them something they will remember... And I feel like I'm failing miserably.

Today I gave a test on characterization. It's a test that we all have to give if we are teaching 9th grade English, so I didn't write it. I don't like some of the questions or how it's so super long, but I have to give it. I, personally, don't think it's difficult, and if my students had paid attention, they shouldn't have thought it was difficult either. But today, I watched many of my students get trampled on... and isn't that just a poor reflection of me as their teacher? Shouldn't I have been able to prepare them better? But I tried...

I always thought the hardest part of teaching would be coming up with lesson plans and material to teach... and then as naive as I was, I thought my students would just learn. I mean, that's how I was as a student. But my students apparently aren't taking what I'm offering them. It's like watching Indee refuse her kibble all over again... the food that I know will nourish her and make her stronger, but that for some reason she refuses to take. My students (even some of my honors kids) don't study and they don't do their work... I know it's partially because of their demographic... but how do I change that??? And again, I circle it back to myself as an ineffective teacher. How does one TEACH??

After school today, I just sat at my desk for a good half hour, staring at nothing in particular, too deflated to tackle the stacks of poorly written essays and tests that I know I'll bleed all over later with my red pen. How does one teach?

They are right when they say that first year teaching is like learning how to swim by being thrown into the deep end... or a raging sea. I'm working so hard and doing my best, but I'm making no progress, water is going up my nose, and I'm sinking fast.

Would someone, please, throw me a lifeline.

i should learn guitar.

This is how (some) of my students are right now:



Maybe I need to do this...


...so that they will be more like this.

I Have Confidence

Another if-my-life-were-a-musical posts... But really, if my life were a musical, I would be packing up my teaching supplies right now (cue music), start swinging my guitar around, and I would begin singing...



What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A school with 1600 children
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence God won't leave me alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence God won't leave me alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

D-day minus 2

I officially start teaching on Tuesday, but Friday, I got to go on campus to observe other teachers, begin gathering my curriculum, and start setting up my classroom. Today I went in for a few hours to rearrange desks and set up all my audio visual equipment (or should I say, I watched as my personal IT guy, Mr. To, set up all my audio visual equipment). I'm pretty happy with the set-up, if I do say so myself. The room is still rather bare, but nothing a few panels of colorful curtains, decorative statement pieces, and accent pillows can't fix! (just kidding!)

A huge, huge, HUGE praise is a 2nd year English teacher whom admin has called "the best teacher we've got," and who has so graciously taken me under his wing. He says he was in my shoes last year, so he understands what I'm going through. My new friend has shared his lesson plans and says he can give me some of his wife's lesson plans too, who teaches 9th Honors English at another school. He even helped me write out my first two weeks of lessons!

On the flip note, a huge, HUGE prayer request is that I will master the art of classroom management. I watched, in horror, as my other colleague, a veteran teacher of 19 years, got eaten alive by her 9th grade English class--MY 9th grade English class as of Tuesday. They made her CRY! She admits, though, that classroom management is not her strong suit, so I know I need to be extra tough and firm with these guys, lest they trample all over me as they did her.

Monday is another prep day, and then... D-Day!!

yikes.

Still waiting for HR to finalize my paperwork before I'm officially Mrs. To in the classroom, but I stopped by the main office on campus to pick up some things... and I already saw a boy get handcuffed and led into a police car.

great.

I am a teacher!

No, really. I don't mean figuratively or metaphorically... like how I am a teacher of Life, haha. I mean a real teacher. A school teacher. An English teacher for Valley High School in Elk Grove. And I start as early as Tuesday.

what?!?!

I know! Crazy, right? Especially after all my hee-hawing about how I don't want to be a teacher. But the call for the interview came at the right time, I guess.

Yesterday, I went in for a last minute, spur-of-the-moment interview, skeptical that I would even be a strong candidate for the position, but I guess they liked me and I ended up with the job! I don't even know what grades I'll be teaching (they don't even know yet). And it's somewhat of a ghetto inner-city school, which is scary. But like Sam reminded me, I've seen "Freedom Writers" and "Sister Act 2", so I should be okay. Thanks for the encouragement, Sam.

So how do I feel? I vacillate between excitement and fear, but I suppose all teachers go through that. I just can't think about it too much, or I freak myself out. I know this year will be a good experience, no matter what. And while I trust God and His providence and know that He only gives what is truly good for us, I'm praying so hard that this isn't going to be one of those "Job-esque" experiences!

Key Club Convention, here we come!

This weekend is Key Club Convention, and as Key Club Advisor and Mrs. Key Club Advisor, we are chaperoning once again.

This is what we have to look forward to (clip from last year):




And this is the official Key Club cheer. It's really cute.

Pie Mr. To!

Last week, Mr. To got pied as part of a fundraiser at school! How could I not share these pictures?

Before:


During (love the protective gear):


After:


Wayne said he had whipped cream smell up his nose the rest of the day. Haha, what a good sport!