A Mother's Rejoice... Amidst Mourning and Sorrow

In moments like these... I sing out a song.  I sing out a love song to Jesus... In moments like these... I lift up my hands.  I lift up my hands to the Lord.  Singing, I love You, Lord.  Singing, I love You, Lord.  Singing, I love You, Lord... I love You.  

In the crowded sanctuary, you could almost hear a pin drop... if it weren't for our sniffles and soft, tearful gasps.  My friend, Angie, had just given her eulogy for her baby boy, and then in that moment, bolstered by the Lord's strength, chose to end with a song that has always been dear to her heart. The juxtaposition of a mourning mother's worship and the sad reality that brought us all under this roof in the first place... was both beautiful and cruel.  There were no instruments nor accompanying voices.  It was just Angie... and the Lord.

Tommy was only 6 months old.  He was the product of more than seven years of trying to conceive, countless prayers, and endless hope.  On the day Tommy was born, the pure joy and elation was clouded by  the discovery that he had esophageal atresia and tracheoesophageal fistula, a rare birth defect in which Tommy's esophagus was not connected to his stomach.  After more surgeries and treatments than 20 people should have in their lifetime, Tommy was fairly healthy and was growing and chubbing up like a champ... until he contracted RSV (respiratory syncytial virus), which presents itself with cold-like symptoms and can be deadly in young infants, especially those like Tommy, whose airways were already extra narrow from his condition.  On January 7, Angie and Todd rushed Tommy to the ER, but his heart could not take the trauma, and shortly after, Tommy was laid to rest.  It was so painfully sudden...

I never did have the privilege of meeting little Tommy in person, but his life touched me greatly.  I enjoyed reading Angie's updates on Tommy, and I LOVED seeing his pictures.  Perhaps it was his personality that shone from his eyes, his chubby little arms and cheeks that begged to be pinched, or his wry smile that warms my heart even now... that though I never did get to meet Tommy, I feel such a strong connection to him.  Or perhaps it was that Angie EXUDED love for her baby boy, and that love was infectious and uplifting, and it brought all who encountered it into their sweet slice of heaven.  And I just mourn so deeply her loss.

I mourn as a mother of a little boy who is not much older than Tommy.  I mourn, because I cannot imagine waking up one day without my child, and the now present void that must be suffocating.  I mourn, because Angie will never be able to hold Tommy in her arms again... won't be able to rock him to sleep, or feel his little arm hooked around her neck... I mourn, because she will finally be able to sleep in... that there are no more toys to pick up... that her arms are light and she now has two hands again... I mourn, because these new-found freedoms must be so debilitating.

I mourn, because... it wasn't supposed to be this way.

I am angry.  I have questions.  I demand to know WHY!!!  Why, God, did you give such a precious, perfect boy to Angie and Todd, only to take him away so quickly?  Why did you not save him?  Why?  why................... In the silence, it is Angie's voice that bypasses all the answers I know in my head regarding God's sovereignty and goodness beyond my understanding, that I've angrily shoved away.  It's her voice that seeps into my heart.  In moments like these... I sing out a song.  I sing out a love song to Jesus...  

It's crazy that Angie's faith is ministering to ME.  If I have rage-filled questions, I KNOW Angie does, too.  And yet, she trusts.  And on her shaking knees, she is strengthened.  And she is blessed with a peace that is unmistakable, even amidst the destruction that is all around her.

In moments like these... I lift up my hands.  I lift up my hands to the Lord...

I picture little Tommy in our Father's embrace now, his chubby, little arms wrapped around our Father's neck.  I imagine him zooming around on his tiny trike and playing peek-a-boo with Jesus.  In Angie and Todd's place, our loving Father is now taking care of Tommy, holding him, rocking him, playing with him, and making him laugh and shriek in delight... And there is overflowing joy.  And there is contentment.  And there is perfect unity with our God, who, I trust, is good.

Singing, I love You, Lord.  Singing, I love You, Lord.  Singing, I love You, Lord...

I love You. 

Tommy, may you rest, not just in peace, but in everlasting JOY...

Thomas Daniel Eaton

June 19, 2012 - January 7, 2013

 "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the LORD."  Job 1:21

Halibut and Chorizo Stew

I subscribe to Cooking Light and receive recipes in my email box from allrecipes.com, America's Test Kitchen, and the like... only to read them, make my usual comments of "Oh, that looks good!", and then toss them to the side as I reach for the 20 or so recipes in my binder that are now smudgey and splattered from constant use.  Moroccan chicken, chicken adobo, poppy seed chicken (hm, do I sense a trend here?)... Tried and true, they are, but now are also oh, so trite.

One of my new year's resolutions is to try a new recipe at least once very two weeks.  That doesn't sound like much, but given my track record, I wanted a schedule that was attainable and wouldn't overwhelm me, lest I give up and go running back to chicken tortilla soup.  Tonight, I made Halibut and Chorizo Stew from Cooking Light (oh, I am also trying to venture beyond chicken and ground turkey).

And... ta-da!

After I made this, I realized I should have taken step-by-step pictures and then described my process along the way, as seen on so many other blogs.  Maybe I will next time.  ..... eh, yeah, right.  I'm a mother of a 9-month-old, who frantically struggles to get dinner on the table before 8pm!  Who am I kidding?  No time for pretty pictures!

Anyway, back to the stew.  It covered all my requisites for a stellar weeknight dinner--quick (20 minute meal), nutritious, and tasty!  And there was minimal clean-up!  Success!  I am definitely adding this to my (hopefully growing) rotation of recipes!

Halibut and Chorizo Stew
courtesy of Cooking Light, December 2012

2 tsp olive oil
2 oz Spanish chorizo sausage, diced (I actually used turkey sausage, because that's what I had on hand)
1 cup chopped onion
3 garlic cloves, sliced (I minced it, because I personally don't like biting into whole garlic, but I understand I'm mostly in the minority here)
1/2 cup dry sherry (I used brandy, which I had in the cupboard)
1/2 fat-free, lower sodium chicken broth
1-1/2 Tbsp chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/4 tsp kosher salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 (28 oz) can diced tomatoes, drained
1 (15 oz) can chickpeas, rinsed and drained
4 (5 oz) skinless halibut fillets (I used half halibut and half tilapia, as my store didn't have enough halibut.)

1. Heat a large saute pan over medium heat.  Add 1 tsp oil to pan. Add chorizo; saute for 3 minutes or until lightly browned.  Add onion; saute 3 minutes or until just tender.  Add garlic; saute 1 minute.  Add sherry; cook 1-1/2 minutes, scraping pan to loosen browned bits.  Stir in broth and next 5 ingredients (through chickpeas); stir to combine.
2. Nestle halibut fillets in stew; spoon tomato mixture over fillets.  Cover and simmer 5 minutes or until fish flakes easily with a fork or desired degree of doneness.
3. Serve with crusty bread, like ciabatta or pugliese.

Up All Night... again.

Last night was another sleepless night for me.  Since Caedmon's fever a couple of weeks ago, he's been waking at 10 or 11, and because I was afraid he was hungry (he hadn't been eating his solids), I've been nursing him.  I'm not against feeding my baby at night, but I'll do it only if he is truly hungry.  He normally goes from 7 to 7 without a feed, so I know he can do it.  However, if there is even an inkling of doubt whether he is hungry or not, I always feed him; I'm so paranoid over his hunger.  The trouble with that, though, is that it's so easy to create a habit, so that he starts taking these calories at nighttime instead of day, and that's exactly what has happened.  Waking at 10 or 11, though, is not much of a bother, which is probably why I hadn't taken much action to shift his caloric intake.

The last couple of nights, though, he's been waking at 1 and 2AM.  Now THAT is a bother.  But if he's hungry, what can I do?

The first night when he woke at 1AM, I went in to nurse him, but for some strange reason, my letdown would not come in.  I tried for 15 minutes as poor Caedmon would suck furiously and then get so upset that nothing was coming out.  Caedmon wailed, arching his back and flinging his body back in frustration.  I was feeling the same inside.  All l I could do was rock and sing; I felt so helpless.  ... and then the unexpected happened.  Caedmon calmed down.  So I continued to rock and sing... and Caedmon fell asleep!  More precious sleeping baby moments, which I am always thankful for, but even more than that, it was a revelation.  He wasn't hungry.  I mean, sure, he probably would have eaten if I had been able to offer, but he didn't NEED it.  And that's all I needed to proceed with Project Sleep-Through-The-Night-Again.

So last night, Caedmon woke at 2AM.  After letting him cry, having Wayne go in and rock, and then me going in to soothe and rock, Caedmon finally slept at 5AM.  At that point, Caedmon still wasn't looking very sleepy, but I had to put him down, because I was getting so tired.  He cried to protest, of course, but less than 10 minutes later, he was out.  Sheesh, if it was this easy, why didn't you do it sooner?  Sometimes I think our meddling (i.e. going in to soothe and rock) actually makes everything worse.  Had we let him cry, he probably would have been asleep sooner... but when I'm meddling, at least I feel like I'm DOING something.  (And this is the slippery slope of becoming an annoying, overbearing mother.)

Right now, and last night, especially, Project Sleep-Through-The-Night-Again hardly seems worth it, as I was up all night anyway.  Wouldn't it be so much easier on everyone if I just nursed him?  But I do recall how glorious those 7-7 nights were, and how much better rested Caedmon was (how we all were), and so I will press on.

Today is a new day... giving way to a new night.  Hopefully, there is more rest for us all on the horizon.

Playing Hooky

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now.  Just me, no baby.  Wayne's mom is watching Caedmon while I steal away for a bit to run some errands, when an idea crept into my head... Really?  Can I do it?  Should I do it?  Should I get some coffee... and just SIT?  I have more errands I could run, and I almost waved this CRAZY idea away, but I'm feeling wild and adventurous today.  Step aside, grocery list, this momma's got a date with some decaf!  Gosh, it feels like ages since I've done this.

Except... mom-guilt is already kicking in.  Cecilia, what about the rest of your errands?  When will you have time to finish those?  And don't you remember how hard Caedmon was crying when you left?  Maybe you should just go home... You can always make coffee and play some Pandora at home.

Augh, stop it!  Caedmon will be fine, and if anything, it's good for him to be with other people; he's been SO attached to me lately.

That's actually been on my mind a lot, how grumpy and distressed he is with others, and it seems to be getting worse, as evidenced by this past Sunday at church.  We usually leave him in the nursery during service, and even though he cries when we leave, we know that he'll be okay.  This past Sunday, though, not long after we settled into our seats, Caedmon's childcare number flashed on the screen, signaling that we needed to tend to our little one.  When I got to the room, Caedmon was sniffling and trying to catch his breath.  His eyes were shut tight, and his face was red and streaked with tears.  One look at me, and he nearly leapt out of the nursery worker's arms.  And then he was fine.  We played for a bit on the floor.  Caedmon loved all the new toys and watching the other babies, and we even got a chuckle out of him a few times.  As long as I am by his side, my little monster is golden.

I expressed my concern and lament over my little shadow and how I wished he was an easier baby who would happily go to others, to which the nursery worker said something that really struck me... "It won't always be like this."

Wow.  Yes, it won't always be like this, in the sense that it won't always be this difficult for Caedmon and he won't always have such a hard time with separation anxiety.  But also, it won't always be like this.... that I will be the world to my baby... that my little boy will crave my cuddles and kisses... that I'll have the ability to erase all woes and worries and make everything good and perfect for my son, simply with a hug and a smile.  No, it won't always be like this.  (Isn't there a country song like this?)  Again, reminders to cherish these moments...

Though, right now, I will allow myself to cherish my peppermint mocha and TIME magazine.


**edit**
Thanks to Steven F., here's the song.  Say what you will about country--it's cheesy, saccharine, hokey... but it sure knows how to pull at the heart strings.  I'm sure any parent can relate to this:

"It Won't Be Like This for Long" by Darius Rucker

An Awfully Wonderful Day

Dear Caedmon,

Today, according to most measures, would have been considered a horrible day.  You are so miserable from teething pains; I can tell that it hurts to even nurse.  And it is making you so incredibly fussy.  And irritable.  And crabby.  You threw tantrums when I changed your diapers and clothes, you fussed when I had you play on your own for even a bit while I went to the restroom, you refused to eat any of your solids, and Mr. Crankypants, you missed two of your usual three naps, sleeping only a total of 40 minutes ALL day, which is completely out of the ordinary for you. I had so much to do today, and needless to say, I got none of it done.  At times, I grumbled at my non-progress, this mess that is our home right now, and the frustration that though I'm exhausted, I have nothing to show for my efforts.  

Except... you make it all better.  You always do.  You had trouble staying asleep tonight, waking and crying after only 40 minutes... (those darn teeth!)...  Dad went in to soothe you, but when I went in, you immediately turned and reached out your little arms and leaned your whole body towards me.  Your frantic whimpering stopped as soon as I took you in my arms.   You hooked your little hand around my neck and nuzzled your face against my chest. And there was peace.  And calm.  It was such a tender, magic moment that I could have held and rocked you forever. I hummed our lullaby song as your breathing slowed and relaxed... Once in a while, you'd pop your head up and look into my face, as if to make sure I was there.  Yes, Baby, Mom is still here.  I'm always here.  And I love you so very much... more than you can know.  

You are finally sleeping soundly.  And although I am still sitting in the middle of all my unfinished projects and chores, in this sty, really... I take back the part about having nothing to show for my exhausting efforts. You are a growing, breathing, healthy (though fussy) little boy. You're alive, so I must be doing something right.  :)  And I am so, so blessed and thankful for you.  

Sleep tight, my little owlet.  May tomorrow be another productive day.  (Though if you decide to nap long and normally tomorrow, I would be okay with that too!)

Love,

Mom

Blasted Blankets!

Reason #47 why I do not like winter:  I am constantly paranoid that Caedmon is cold, so I go in to put a blanket on him, only to have him pop his head up upon my entering.  Crying and wailing invariably ensues.  Why is he such a light sleeper???  And yet he doesn't wake when Lucy barks??  I don't get it.  It's like he can just sense me... Mom's here.  No more napping; it's time to play! 

I just learned about these merino wool sleep sacks that claim to regulate your baby's body temperature and are supposedly far superior to the Halo fleece sleep sacks.  Baby Wise Mom (from babywisemom.com) swears by them, and though pricey ($99 on sale!), I am so tempted to get it if it means no more waking (due to a paranoid mama). 

ugh... So much for a productive afternoon.  Time to retrieve my screaming baby... ugh.... darn you, blankets!!!!

Lil Wayne

Presenting... Lil Wayne!

 Happy Halloween!
(Disregard the pearls at the bottom of Lil Wayne's necklace!)

Feeling Ducky...?

As a new mom, I definitely feel the pressure.  You want what's best for your kid... and that includes a rockin' cute Halloween costume.  But it's the day before Halloween, and all I have are a few half-baked ideas and a duck costume.  

The duck costume, which we borrowed from one of Wayne's coworkers, is actually very cute, but I was trying to come up with something clever.  Something original.  Something outside the box a little that will cause others say, "What a GREAT costume!"  I'm inspired by one mom friend who dressed her newborn as a piece of nigiri sushi, complete with a ribbon wasabi dollop on her head.  Or the photo I saw of a baby chippendale who was donned in nothing but a bow tie and diaper with dollar bills tucked in.  See, that made you chuckle, didn't it?  Super cute and clever!  

I'm sure we'll all ooh and aww no matter what, because the great thing about babies is that they look cute in everything, but I have a little bit more time.  Let's see what I can and have the energy to actually crank out! ... Though that duck costume is looking mighty adorable... and quick and easy right about now.

duck...

duck...

Goose!

(our nickname for our Lucy Goosey)

A Solid Start.

We did it!  Caedmon had his first taste of solids today, and really, it was just a taste, as barely any of it was actually swallowed.  But I know the purpose of these first few feedings is to get him acclimated to this new way of eating, and soon enough, he'll be a happy little muncher. 

I've been reading this book (of course) called Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron, which is an excellent resource on all things related to feeding your baby, including how to make your own baby food, and I can't wait to start!  ... Wow... we've started solids.  Has it really been six months already?  He truly is growing up so fast!

Here are pictures from this first feeding:

 

Uh, Mom... What am I doing up on this chair? 

 

What is this??? 

 

Maybe this isn't so bad... 

 

I did it! 

 

Stop freaking out, Mom.  I can do it myself!

Ready for Solids?

Caedmon has been waking the last few nights for food, which he normally doesn't do.  He's also been grabbing at my drinking glass and the other day snagged a chunk of Wayne's peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and before Wayne could do anything, stuffed it in his mouth!  We think he's ready for solids.  He'll be six months on Tuesday, so it's about time... and we're starting today!

Caedmon may be ready for solids, but the question is, am I???  He will be waking up from his morning nap in a few minutes, and I'm running through how this first feeding will go... do I have the brown rice cereal ready?  How many teaspoons of cereal to milk ratio?  Where should we have him eat regularly?  What about today?  Where is the lighting best for photos and video of this milestone?  Do I have all the spoons and bowls washed?  Okay... check the book one more time, what order do I feed him breast milk and solids?  Let's review last minute tips... okay, no laughing if he spits out food, even if it's cute, so I do not reinforce this behavior... be patient even if he doesn't seem to take to solids right away... one new food every 3 to 4 days...

I feel like I'm cramming for a test.

He's waking... okay, here goes!

 

All set... just insert Baby here.